We live in a shame based culture. It permeates everything around us and it’s one of the biggest obstacles to authentic self-love. However, shame is a topic people typically don’t like to talk about, or admit to themselves or others. Yet, the only way to heal shame is by bringing it into the light. Shame thrives in the darkness and the longer you avoid, deny, or repress it, the greater the power it has over you, often fueling self-sabotaging behaviors and eroding your self-worth.
No one escapes or avoids the experience of shame. It’s woven into our collective consciousness and psyche, and an inherent aspect of the human experience. It’s something we all share. I hope that offers you a little comfort when faced with your own shame.
Understanding Shame
Shame shows up in the beliefs and fears that there is something wrong with you, that you are inherently defective, aren’t good enough, smart enough, fill in the blank enough, or on the other end of the spectrum, perhaps that you’re too much. These are universal fears…am I good enough, too much, worthy, deserving, or loveable? Will I be rejected, judged, or abandoned?
I believe shame takes root in early childhood, the first time a child experiences the feeling of not being acknowledged, loved or accepted. Whenever a child feels he or she needs to be different in order to belong, shame emerges. This plants the seed of “maybe there’s something wrong with me”. In Psychosythesis, this is called the Primal Wound…and no human escapes it.
We are born into societal, cultural, and family systems that hold certain expectations for who we should be and how we should be. Often these expectations are created with the best intentions from parents, teachers and caregivers that only seek to help us “fit in” and ultimately find safety, security, and survival in a tribal system. Yet, the people that help shape our lives guide us through the lens of their own conditioning and wounding around shame.
The seeds of shame take root through experiences of rejection, betrayal, or abandonment. If love, acceptance and belonging are withheld – by family members or peers – a child thinks something is wrong with them, and they begin to develop coping and survival patterns to deal with the it.
Shame and the Ego
Shame is ego-based and ego-centric. The ego sees through the lens of separation, and its main objective is survival, safety, and security. It believes that because you are separate, you are alone, and need love, acceptance and belonging from the tribe to survive. And that’s true to some extent, these are basic human needs.
Yet, the ego falls short in two primary ways. First, it tends to focus all its energy on seeking outside validation and scanning for potential threats to safety, security, and survival. With all its attention on your external world, it fails to recognize and integrate your innate wholeness within.
Second, the ego uses shame-based survival strategies to cope with fear and insecurities, and to gain love, acceptance and belonging from others. Often, these strategies involve self-sabotaging or self-sacrificing patterns of behavior that only reinforce the shame patterns and the beliefs that fueled them.
If your value, worth and self-perception are defined primarily by things outside of you – how you compare or are perceived by others – you will stay stuck in the not enough story. Further, it puts your self-worth at risk because it’s dependent on things you have no control over!
The rise of social media over the years has only fueled the virus of shame and this compare and despair game. You may find yourself comparing your real, raw, and messy life to curated, staged, and photo-shopped images of other peoples’ best lives on Instagram. This can trigger anyone’s not good enough fears and feed toxic shame.
To alleviate that shame, you may engage in your favorite coping strategies of numbing, distraction or avoidance, or perhaps rebellion or acting out – overeating, binge watching Netflix, drinking too much, overspending, or escapism through other pursuits. Yet, any relief you get is temporary, and your strategy may even do more harm than good. That short high quickly fades and the backlash of shame returns with more power….and a need for greater relief. And the vicious cycle continues.
Breaking Free of Shame
With that said, how do you get off this vicious cycle of shame and self-sabotage? The most powerful path that I know of starts with a practice of authentic self-love. Love has the power to heal shame. Remember, shame thrives in the darkness, so the more you can bring light to it through self-awareness, self-honesty, and self-compassion, the less power it has over you. Once you recognize you are in a shame pattern, forgive yourself and recognize that shame is not who you are….it’s just an outdated pattern of self-perception that is based on false information.
The next step is to remember your Divine self-worth! This is where self-love becomes a spiritual practice. Reconnect to the spiritual truth of who you are…a child of God, a unique and beautiful expression of the Divine. This is truth of your soul and the source of your greatest gifts, skills, and talents.
A fundamental aspect of the spiritual journey is to reclaim and integrate the soul as a guiding force in your life. To do so, you must be willing to heal the shame that limits your ability to access your Divine worth, soul, and gifts. This can be a powerful healing process that allows you to shift the power structure of your life from ego to soul. The soul begins to lead your life, and the ego evolves and learns to be of service to the soul.
Whenever I find myself in a shame spiral, I recognize that I have lost alignment with my soul. It also informs me that a wounded aspect of my self is in need of healing. I start by getting curious about what needs to be healed and what old ego patterns I am stuck in. Rather than hide from shame, I have learned to shine a light on it, and use it as a messenger that something needs to heal, shift, or change in my life. I know from experience this is the first step in taking my power back.
Next, I seek to understand the source of it. Why am I feeling shame? What story or survival pattern is keeping me stuck? Once I get clear on the source of my shame, I do the healing work necessary so I can release it, and I do so with an immense amount of love and compassion. I have a variety of healing tools and resources that I engage with when necessary, but sometimes all it takes is a willingness to step out of it…to dis-identify from it, and remember it is not who I am.
Last, I pray, meditate, or engage with other spiritual practices that help me remember my Divine self-worth, and reconnect with my soul and God. Spiritual practice serves as an anchor to my soul, and my true value and worth….I remember that I am one with the Divine – not separate.
Authentic Self-Worth
I don’t believe in fearing God as many religious traditions teach. To fear God only creates more shame and separation, and is ego based. I believe in the soul, which is God (or the Divine/Universe/Source) expressed through me. Therefore, I honor God by honoring my soul and my Divine my worth – the sacred life I have been given.
Authentic self-worth is found when you remember your Divine self-worth and innate inner wholeness. The soul invites you to look within, to remember you are a spiritual being having a human experience, you are here for a reason, and you are worthy simply because you are alive. Your soul came into this life as a pathway for learning, growth, healing and evolution. Yes, shame is in inherent in the human experience, yet it is not the truth of who you are. Rather, it is a function of the ego that can serve as a teacher on the path of growth. Perhaps it can show you what needs to heal so you can reclaim your wholeness and step more fully into your soul.
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