Do you have a hard time saying NO? Do you ever find yourself striving to make everyone happy, to support others, or be of service at the cost of your own well being? Do you find yourself putting your dreams on hold because of others?
I did for a long time and it was one of the primary reasons why I felt overwhelmed and stressed out.
In an effort to HAVE IT ALL – do you take on the responsibility of DOING IT ALL?
I did. In fact, I was an expert at doing it all, and like too many women, my self-worth was defined by it.
For me, doing it all meant a successful career, lots of money, a dynamic social life, loving relationships, the perfect body, a beautiful home, and always striving to learn more and be more.
However, the downfall of attaching my self worth to my achievements was that it was always at risk. When I failed to live up to those high expectations, my self worth ultimately took a beating.
Yet doing it all made me feel in charge and empowered. However, it was a false sense of empowerment; an illusion. When doing it all led to over-giving and people pleasing, I actually discovered all the ways in which I’d given my power away!
To make matters worse, this pattern of over-giving and people pleasing felt like one of my gifts as a woman and a healer. Like many women, especially healers, I have an innate tendency towards being the nurturer and the helper.
And my self worth got tied up in that as well – how much I gave to others and how many people needed me. I used called it a practice in making myself invaluable and it felt good to my ego.
Unfortunately, I discovered the hard way that putting myself last on my to-do list was in fact one of the worst kinds of self-betrayal.
I had prided myself as being an expert at doing it all, and giving my all, until I literally had nothing else to give. My body forced me to stop through serious adrenal fatigue and a chronic debilitating illness. My immune system literally shut down and blood tests reflected tissue death, and I found myself at a cross-roads – between life and death.
I had no other option than to learn the art of saying NO!
I’ve always said that the Universe will whisper to you, sending you signs that things need to change, but if you don’t heed her warnings, she’ll hit you upside the head!
In the face of debilitating illness, I realized I had to learn a new way to BE, and at the time, it felt like the hardest thing in the world to do.
The thought of saying NO, and letting go of doing it all, caused me to feel such guilt and shame that I finally woke up and realized something was wrong with this whole idea.
What I learned through my process of learning to say NO, was that giving from a place of depletion is a spiritual bypass. I was not in authentic service because I wasn’t giving from a place of wholeness, and a heart-centered desire to give from my own state of abundance and overflow.
Rather, I was giving from a sense of obligation, duty, and fear….fear that I wouldn’t be liked or accepted if I said NO, fear that I wouldn’t be loved, fear that I wouldn’t be considered valuable, fear that I wasn’t enough.
I had to learn to say “SO WHAT?” So what if I wasn’t good enough, so what if I disappointed others, so what if I wasn’t liked. Being in a state of total depletion, and facing a difficult path of illness and disease helped me to realize that spending my life trying to do it all and give my all to others wasn’t really serving anyone.
In the end, I had to learn to love and value myself enough to put myself on my list – at the TOP of my list. Because the truth is, the only way I can truly thrive in my health, happiness, and service to others is if I take care of ME first.
The path of authentic service is to give from a place of abundance, love, and overflow. As a healer and coach I have a deep and soul-driven desire to be a service in the world and to make a positive impact in the lives of other women.
Yet, I have learned that the BEST way for me to do that is to take care of me, to say NO when I need to, and to give up trying to DO IT ALL on my own. I also had to GIVE UP PERFECTION!
Now I can hear some of you already thinking about all the people you believe you can’t say NO to – such as your children, your husband, or your boss. I get it. You have responsibilities that you have to attend to, especially if you have kids.
However, I am here to challenge you as well. I’m not saying you have to say NO to everyone or everything. However, if you are really honest with yourself, you will find some areas of your life where you have the opportunity to say NO.
The best place to start is with the obligations that lead you down the road of resentment. When you say yes, do you secretly dread showing up? Do you experience an undercurrent of anger or stress that you just stuff down, because you think you’ll be a bad person if you say no? This is a practice of discernment, self-awareness, and empowerment.
It’s time to take back your power through the practice of self-love!
I call this practice of being “self-filling”. You are tending to your own body, mind, and soul so actually have more to give!
Before I was self-sacrificing that doesn’t serve anyone. Now I practice radical self-love first and foremost, and I can say I’ve never had more to give.
The truth is, when you take care of YOU first, you have more energy to do all that you want to do, you feel more joy every day, and you have more love to give in your relationships and in service to others.
Further, sometimes you will have to say NO to others in order to say YES to your own DREAMS!
This is YOUR sacred life! You are here to experience the unfolding of your own beautiful soul and you can’t do that if you are constantly in a state of overwhelm and depletion.
Last, we are not here simply to give. We are also here to receive! This is the universal law of reciprocity.
Here’s another truth, to believe you are only here to give and be of service is actually spiritual ignorance.
Receiving is important for several reasons.
First, it allows you the opportunity to fill up your energetic reserves – it balances the masculine energy of doing with the feminine energy of receiving – literally filling up your energetic fuel tank!
Second, it opens the door for the Universe to support you, and one way it does that is through other people. The Universe works through us, as us.
If you never allow yourself to receive – you shut out the gifts the Universe. You literally say NO to the Universe…the one place I encourage you NOT to say NO!
Wondering why you have trouble manifesting? Perhaps you’ve been saying NO to the very support the Universe keeps trying to deliver to you.
Last, when you open yourself to receiving help and support, you honor the gifts others have to give. You honor the heart and soul of others – and – it is a way that you accept the love they have to share with you. When you say NO to the people who show up to help and support you – you reject the love they are offering.
Allow yourself the gift of asking for and receiving help. You don’t have to do it all on your own!
With that said, here are 7 Tips on the Art of Saying NO!
- No is a complete sentence.
- You don’t need to defend, explain, or justify yourself (see #1).
- Holding your boundaries with other people is essential to standing in your personal power.
- By standing in your personal power, and practicing this act of self-love, you become a role model to other women, and you inspire them to do the same.
- No is not only a gift to yourself, and your dreams, it’s often a gift to the other person as well. Even though they may not see it right away, you are empowering them to find their own solutions.
- Don’t let someone else’s needs become more important than YOU are! Remember what the airlines say – please put your own oxygen mask on first.
- Ask yourself, are you giving from a place of abundance or a place of depletion? To give from a place of wholeness and abundance is authentic service, to give from a place of obligation, guilt, or depletion is a spiritual bypass and it’s self-sacrificing.
I hope you found this information helpful. And, if you have any questions, or other topics you would like me to address, please let me know.
In love and gratitude,
Michelle