How to have difficult conversations with those you love

Healthy relationships require good communication, and the ability to have difficult conversations in a proactive and productive way. Unfortunately, I often see people avoiding the difficult conversations out of fear….fear of the other person’s response, fear of conflict, or fear of change. Yet, the paradox is…confronting your issues with care, and having those difficult conversations, can actually bring you closer. Meanwhile, avoiding them puts a wedge between you and your loved one.

Let’s face it, life can be challenging, especially in times of chaos, uncertainty, hardship, and struggle. I think we’ve all been challenged over the last few months with COVID-19, the recent protests, and the glaring spotlight on racial injustice.  And, if you’re like many of my clients, your relationships have been tested as a result.

Therefore, I thought it would be helpful to offer some strategies to help with those difficult conversations.  The benefit is…you may just grow closer as a result!

Consequences of avoidance

Here’s the thing…avoiding those hard conversations, or sweeping an issue under the rug, simply doesn’t work. The issue doesn’t go away. Instead, it begins to fester under the surface, building up pressure.

And, you will both feel it because energy doesn’t lie – your body language, tone, and state will tell the truth. Further, when stop sharing the truth, your loved one will likely feel it as rejection.

What happens next is a vicious cycle in which both of you go into defensive mode in an effort to protect yourselves emotionally.  

For some this shows up as lashing out, snapping at each other, or fighting over little things not at all related to the real issue. For others, it may be shutting down, isolating and withdrawing from the other person, physically and emotionally. And for a few, the primary defense strategy is to become overly complacent and people please to avoid discomfort and keep the status quo.

Yet, no matter what strategy is used, the reason the defense system get activated is the same – feeling a lack of emotional safety.  As a result, you create a rift in your relationship. If left unaddressed for too long, that rift gets wider and wider, and filled with toxic resentment that can create irreparable damage. 

Why you avoid difficult conversations

Two of the biggest reasons people avoid having difficult conversations are fear of the outcome, and a belief that confrontation equals conflict.

Yet, when you avoid those conversations, you create a conflict within yourself and a shadow conflict with your loved one. You’ve still created conflict, yet lost out on the opportunity for healing, growth and deeper connection.

So let’s tackle fear of the outcome first.  On the surface, it’s a fear of the other person’s response. You may be afraid of your loved one’s anger, or you may be afraid of hurting his or her feelings. However, what’s really underneath that is a core fear we all face…fear of rejection and abandonment.

As social creatures, we humans are wired to seek out love, connection, and belonging. And two of our greatest primal fears are rejection and abandonment…essentially the LOSS of love, connection and belonging.

We all have these fears to some degree. However, if you experienced childhood trauma, or a history of rejection or abandonment, you may need to do some healing around those issues. Otherwise, you are likely to project them onto your intimate relationships.  

What’s most important to understand is that when you avoid speaking up, you ultimately create disconnection…the very thing you fear. Whereas, facing those difficult conversations in a healthy way can actually foster deeper connection and intimacy.

The second main reason people tend to avoid difficult conversations is the belief that confrontation equals conflict.  Yes, if you confront issues from a triggered and emotionally reactive place, you will likely experience conflict. This may be what you’ve experienced in the past.

However, if you learn how to communicate effectively, conflict can be avoided.  Confrontation does NOT have to equal conflict – that part is up to you and how you choose to engage.

When is the right time for a difficult conversation?

Here’s a hint…it’s not when you feel triggered or overly emotional. When you get triggered, your primal limbic brain takes over. As a result, the rational and most evolved part of your brain begins to shut down. And unfortunately that’s the part you need most to communicate clearly and effectively.  

When the primal brain is in charge, your loved one will likely feel either attacked or rejected…and then his/her primal brain takes over.  At that point, you have two primal emotional brains trying to address an issue purely from defensive strategies.

At that point, you’ve both lost the ability to fully LISTEN to the other person, THINK rationally about what is being said, or RESPOND from any thoughtful place.  You experience this type of confrontation as conflict, and neither person feels seen, heard, or understood.

Can you see why this may not be helpful?  

Therefore, the best time to address an issue is when both parties are relatively relaxed and emotionally calm.  From this state, the higher brain functions can participate in the conversation, which allows for rational, proactive, and creative problem solving.  

You are much more likely to find a way forward if you are both operating from this level of thinking. In addition, it creates an open and receptive environment that feels emotionally safe to everyone involved. And emotional safety builds trust.

The Exception: Sacred Anger and Boundary Violations

The intention of this article is to help you address relationship issues in a way that fosters greater connection and intimacy.  However, I would be remiss if I did not address an exception – boundary violations and sacred anger.  However, I want to make a clear distinction between boundary issues and boundary violations.

A boundary issue typically relates to general disrespect in a relationship. You may feel taken for granted or taken advantage of. An example of a boundary issue is a loved one not respecting your time, values, personal things or space. Those issues can generally be addressed using the strategies in this article.

However, a boundary violation goes way beyond disrespect and into abuse and/or violence.  Examples of boundary violations include physical violence, verbal abuse, sexual assault, emotional manipulation, and gas lighting.  Racism and racial injustice are also be boundary violations because they violate a person’s humanity and dignity.

Boundary violations trigger sacred anger, which serves to protect you. It is a catalyzing energy pushing you to stand up for yourself and to do something different. If sacred anger gets triggered in you, it’s important to harness that energy to take action.  

If a boundary violation happens in your relationship, you need to make a decision about that relationship.  The truth is, it’s not a very healthy relationship to begin with, and you may want considering ending it if the other person is not willing to make a serious change. Bottom line…use your anger to create new relationship standards that support safety and wellbeing.

Only you get to determine what you accept in your relationships, and if you are being violated in any way, I hope you will embrace sacred anger to make a change.

How to Communicate  

Now let’s focus on HOW to communicate.  Here’s the truth, your energy says as much, if not more, than your words.  It’s not WHAT you say but HOW you say it.  With that said, there are three key things to become aware of – tone, body language, and using “I” statements NOT “you” statements.

Remember, energy doesn’t lie, so you can say all the right words, but if your tone, body language and speech convey anger, resentment or attack, it doesn’t matter what you say.  

Tone

Your tone of voice is one of the most important factors to be mindful of because it expresses your genuine feelings.  For example, a cold sharp tone conveys a desire to shut down communication, and create distance from your loved one. Whereas, a warm and calm tone conveys a desire for connection, closeness, and intimacy.  

In addition, a loud deep or strong tone, like yelling, can convey anger or resentment, which would make the other persons defensives to go up.  On the other hand, a quiet, weak or low tone conveys a lack of confidence in what you are saying, anxiety and even fear.

The goal is to speak with a warm, calm, yet confident tone and at a conversational volume. Further, be clear, specific, and precise.  If you’re vague and/or scattered, you convey confusion, instability, deceit and/or aggressiveness – none of which create safety or trust.

Body Language

Your body language also says a lot about how you really feel. In fact, body language alone can trigger your partners defenses before you even say a word.  

For example, if you cross your arms tightly in front of you, it shows a desire to shut your partner out.  You also appear defensive because you put a barrier between you. It’s not a posture that reflects openness and receptivity.  However, if your arms are open and relaxed and resting at your sides, you convey an open heart and a desire to let the other person in.

Further, if your body is stiff and rigid, your shoulders elevated, and your jaw clenched, it conveys defensiveness or aggression. Remember what I said about waiting until you feel calm and relatively relaxed? Your body doesn’t lie when it comes to your emotional state.

And by all means, never point your finger at your loved one, as it conveys an attack. Pointing your finger at someone is aggressive, blaming and shaming, and that will surely make your loved one defensive.  

In addition, don’t stand over your loved one or get too close as both can feel like aggressive strategies. The best option is for you both to stay at eye level, whether seated or standing.  And by all means, give your full presence, which means putting your phone away. Distractions indicate a lack of interest and can make your loved one feel unimportant.

Last, always make eye contact, as it cultivates trust and intimacy.  Whereas, avoiding eye contact indicates deceit.

“I” not “You” statements

Last but not least, a key to communicating effectively with your loved one is to focus more on the use of “I” statements rather than “You” statements. When most of your statements begin with “you did this” or “you did that to me”, it comes across as attacking and blaming rather than problem solving. Further, you make yourself a victim in the process. Instead, state how you FEEL, your perception, and what you experienced.  

For example, if you want to confront the issue of feeling unsupported by your partner because he/she doesn’t help with the kids. Rather than saying, “You never help me with the kids and I’m sick of it!!”, try saying, “I feel really unsupported when I have to take care of the kids on my own. It would mean a lot to me to have your help.” Read those sentences out loud. Can you FEEL the difference?

When using “I” statement, you also convey self-responsibility for your feelings and experience, which is the opposite of blame.  

Other Best Practices

Following are some additional best practices to help keep those difficult conversations healthy, productive and supportive of all concerned:

• No interrupting each other
• Practice active listening – reflect back to your loved one your understanding of what was said to make sure you understand
• Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions
• Recognize that there are always two sides 
• Practice humility – be willing to be wrong
• Apologize when you’ve done something hurtful – own your stuff even if you it wasn’t your intention. Apologize for the impact!
• No name calling – this goes with no shaming, blaming or attacks
• If you end up in conflict, be willing to take a time out until you can both discuss the issue from a more calm state
• For family meetings or group conversations – lay some ground rules – give each person the opportunity to speak uninterrupted for up to 5 minutes. No cross talking, interrupting or distractions. Everyone listens.
• Ask your loved one what he/she needs most right now to feel supported by you, and also share what you need most to feel supported.
• Work toward a mutual agreement 
• Do not end the conversation unless all parties agree

The LOVE sandwich 

My number one formula for confronting relationships issues and having difficult conversations is something I call the LOVE sandwich.  In the LOVE sandwich, the bread is LOVE and the contents inside the sandwich are the issues you need to discuss.  It goes something like this….

LOVE:  Open the conversation on a loving and positive note….”Our relationship means a lot to me and and you mean a lot of me.”

ISSUE:  Next, transition to the issue you want to address…”Which is why it’s so important we address something…so we can protect our relationship from any resentments. Lately, I feel….” . Transition into the issue using your “I” statements.

LOVE:  Last, wrap up your issue with more love.  “My intention with bringing this issue up is for us to find a way forward in which we both feel supported and that our needs and values are honored.  I am committed to this relationship and hope we can grow through this experience”.

I’ve just offered a basic example of how this works, however you should always use your own words so that what you say sounds authentic and genuine. The basic premise is to wrap this issue with love and positive intention, as this will help to keep the other persons’ defenses down and keep his/her rational brain online so you can truly listen and understand one another. 

Bottom line…attacking, blaming, or shaming will often lead to conflict and unproductive arguments, and that won’t move you forward. However, if you show up with love and compassion, even when a little tough love is required, you will have a much greater chance of working through your issues.  Further, you may just grow closer in the process.

I hope you found this helpful.  And, if you’d like additional support, please apply for a complimentary breakthrough session.  I’m happy to help in any way that I can.

Wishing you healing, growth and evolution as you navigate the chaos of change.