In yesterday’s blog, I spoke about the descent into darkness that is required on the spiritual journey to reclaim your wholeness, heal the wounded ego, and reconnect with your soul and your gifts.
Once you experience a spiritual awakening, there is really no stopping the process of descent. It may not happen right away, but at some point it will happen, and it will happen when you need it most, not necessarily when you are ready. In spiritual circles these periods of descent are often referred to the Dark Night of the Soul, a term that was first coined by the Spanish mystic St. John of the Cross.
However, one of my favorite teachers, Robert Ohotto, refers to these periods of growth as the Dark Night of the Ego, and I find this term more appropriate from my own experience. Upon descent into the darkness it is common to feel lost and disconnected, from Source, God, and your soul, because the wounded ego takes the lead, showing you all the aspects of itself that are blocking your ability to connect with and embody your soul. Yet, I have learned that ultimately, it is the soul that guides the process.
My hope and intention is to help you gain some awareness of this process, so you have a better understanding of your own dark night experiences. I invite you to embrace and engage with these experiences proactively, rather than going into shame, fear, or resistance, which is easy to do when the wounded ego is in charge.
Do not buy into the belief that there is something wrong with you, or fear that you won’t get through it. You will, and it’s important to remember these dark night experiences serve your highest path and purpose. They are intended to support your growth and healing.
To help you better understand how a dark night experience can play out, and how to discover the gifts and your own purpose in the process, I’m going to share a personal story from one of my most intense dark night experiences.
In mid-2011, I just embarked on a major life and career change. After 5 long years of immense planning and preparation, I finally left my comfortable corporate job to fulfill what I knew to be my soul’s work as a healer. I had a growing massage therapy business and had just started graduate school to pursue a masters in psychology. I had big plans for myself and my work and I was excited for my next chapter. I was finally going to achieve my dreams.
That’s exactly when the dark night hit! Like I said, the dark night will show up when you need it most, not necessarily when you are ready for it.
For me the descent arrived just 6 weeks after leaving my corporate job and during my first week of grad school, and it showed up through a debilitating illness that destroyed my immune system and left me bedridden. I was diagnosed with 5 systemic infections – both viral and bacterial – and my immune system totally shut down. I had very few white blood cells left to fight the infections, had signs of organ failure and tissue death, and was diagnosed with multiple autoimmune conditions.
Everything came to a stop in my life. I no longer had the physical ability to do massage and quickly realized I needed to close down my business. I was devasted, frustrated, sad and angry. I felt victimized and betrayed by my body and by God. After all, wasn’t I doing what I felt God had guided me to do?
Further, none of the medical treatments I needed to heal my body were covered by insurance, and the life savings I had built was quickly depleted to cover my medical costs. Through a miracle of grace, I managed to stay in school because most of it I could do from home, and it was already paid for. However, I felt so far from grace at the time. I felt lost, alone, and abandoned by God and my own soul. I was finally bringing my soul gifts and work into the world…I couldn’t help but ask WHY?
My descent into darkness shook me to my core and stripped my ego bare. My medical diagnosis forced me to confront so many parts of myself and ultimately, I realized I needed to learn a new way to be in the world or I wouldn’t have a very long life. My doctor gave me a 50/50 chance of recovery, and told me that even if I were to recover, I will always have certain health challenges to deal with.
The lessons I learned through this dark night experience are immense, and they continue to unfold today. Let’s start with my wounded ego. Through this experience, I was forced me to see many aspects of my ego survival strategies that limited by ability to step into my true potential – mainly my victim stories, lone wolf syndrome (an unwillingness to ask for and accept help), the perfectionist in me that pushed me like a militant dictator, the people pleaser and rescuer.
In addition, I realized that I had entirely sourced my self-worth by how many people needed me and how much I achieved in my life and career. This pattern was driven by my overachieving perfectionist and a pathological inner critic that constantly pushed me to give more, be more and do more to prove my value. Further, I was humbled to see how much I couldn’t do on my own and how important it was to ask for and receive help and support in my life.
All of these wounded ego strategies needed to be dismantled for me to fully step into my soul gifts and life purpose. They not only created unhealthy patterns in my life, they distorted my perception, blocked me from my gifts, and limited by ability to be effective in my healing work. Further, I wouldn’t be able to experience authentic fulfillment, abundance, or success in my work.
Unfortunately, I can be a bit stubborn so I went through this process kicking and screaming. However, it taught me so much about the dark night experience and how to work with it, which I later realized was an essential part of my initiation into authentic healing work.
The gifts I received through this dark night were just as immense as the lessons. The first gift was an opportunity to heal my relationship with myself and my body. This didn’t happen right away, but over time, I found it to be a critical aspect to healing my body. My ego and mind had been at war with my body and that internal conflict was depleting my inner resources and the energy I needed to heal. After I worked through healing my relationship with my body and how I related to myself (with unconditional love rather than criticism), my body turned a corner and I began to make a profound recovery.
The other massive gift I received came through the self-love and healing work I created by going through my dark night healing process. I became my own client, and with the resources, tools, and support I gained through my masters program, I created a process for healing my body and my life. This process has become an essential foundation in the work I offer today.
Further, I realized that I was never really lost from my soul or Source during my dark night experience. Rather, my soul was guiding the whole process. My soul led me into descent to help show me the path to reclaiming my gifts, and to prepare me for stepping into my highest potential. God was also present the whole time, and showed up through the help and support I received along the way, and the miracles that unfolded that allowed me to stay in school. In my wounded ego pain, I just didn’t realize it at the time.
I know how hard it is to see the lessons, gifts and purpose in a dark night when you are in the free fall of descent. Yet, I hope my own story can help you find a little light and some hope in the darkness. Further, I want to stress how important it is to have an intuitive guide, trusted coach or therapist to support you in the process – someone who has been on the journey before and can help you navigate your experience proactively and with acceptance, courage, and love. I am forever grateful to my own team of healers, facilitators, guides and loved ones that have supported me on my path.
If you find yourself in a dark night and you’d love some support, stay tuned to my blog for more information, and click the link below to apply for a Transformational Breakthrough Session with me: