Forgiveness can seem daunting when we feel hurt, victimized, violated, or betrayed, especially when the damage can’t be undone. When in pain, it’s often hard to imagine forgiveness, let alone freedom from the pain. How can we ever forgive those who have hurt us so deeply, or taken so much from us?
Yet, the paradox is, forgiveness helps to free us from our pain and reclaim our power. Therefore, it’s an essential part of the healing process, even when dealing with trauma and abuse.
My Journey to Forgiveness
For years, I found myself in a brutal war against forgiveness. As a woman who has been violated and abused, on numerous occasions since the age of 10 years old, by numerous men, the idea of forgiveness seemed impossible….an idealistic spiritual principal that simply was not practical in real life.
Yet, the more I resisted forgiveness, the more I remained stuck in my pain and victimization. Even after years of immense healing, therapy, personal growth work, and spiritual development, I kept circling back to the same issues of blame, shame, and resentment. Further, I realized that my unwillingness to forgive had created a wall around my heart that would not allow me to receive. My resentment served as an ever-present reminder for me that others could not be trusted.
Eventually I realized I had become isolated behind that wall, and I was the only one who was suffering. By refusing to forgive, I had created a huge deficit in my life. It blocked me from receiving the very things I desired so deeply – love, support, joy, and abundance. There was no one else responsible for that but me. It was a wake up call.
Yet, I still struggled to make sense of forgiveness. What does it even mean to forgive?
The Truth of Forgiveness
At the time I struggled most with forgiveness, I was working with my first life coach, Holy Kaur Khalsa. She helped me to reframe forgiveness in a way that has forever changed my life. She said, “Forgiveness is for YOU, not the other person”.
Forgiveness is about letting go…letting go of your resentment and attachment to pain. It is also an act of taking your energy and power back from the those who have hurt you. Through forgiveness you release the past, which means it can no longer influence the happiness, joy, or love you experience in life.
The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. When you hold on to resentment, you are the only ones who suffer. The other person, and what they did, still has power over you. Resentment is attachment to the pain and suffering; it’s an unwillingness to let go and move forward.
Obstacles to Forgiveness
I realized that by holding on to my pain and resentment, I was still a victim, and it was keeping me stuck. Holy Kaur had helped me to see forgiveness as the pathway out of my pain, and back into my power. Yet, I still had some inner objections I had to work through.
Justice
One of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness is the belief that holding on to resentment will make the other person accountable for their actions. I call it the justice objection. Unfortunately, that’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. The truth is, they don’t suffer, only we do.
I want to be clear that forgiveness is not about making what happened ok, or letting the other person off the hook. It’s not about forgetting, sweeping it under the rug, or even letting that person back into your life. It’s important to speak your truth, and sometimes that means ending unhealthy relationships in your life, or reporting a crime.
However, to overcome the justice objection you may need to lean into trust….trust that the scales of karma will find balance. Eventually, we all have to face the consequences of our actions in one way or another. In the end, it’s not our job to make sure the other person pays for what they did…that job is up to the justice system, God, the Universe, the laws of karma, and that individual’s soul contract.
Is it worth sacrificing your healing, happiness, and peace to carry the burden of resentment in your heart, hoping and praying that it will make the other person accountable? When you hold on to resentment, you delay your own healing. And haven’t you hurt long enough? It’s time to heal.
Identity
Another obstacle to forgiveness is identity to the pain, or being the victim or the martyr. In my own journey to forgiveness, I had to be willing to face how I had made the victim a part of my identity. Further, I had to get honest with myself about why I was attached to that identity, and what I was getting out of it. This requires some deep personal work, and it can be hard to face. Yet, doing so offered me an even greater opportunity to step into my power and discover a new sense of freedom in my life.
How to Forgive
Once I reconciled with forgiveness, and realized it was a necessary step in the healing journey, I found the practice of it to be rather simple. Here’s the good news, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you have to engage with the other person. Remember, forgiveness is for you, not them!
There are many ways to work with forgiveness, yet two key things are important. First, you intend it through a declarative statement of forgiveness and release. Second, you say a prayer…ask your guides, Angels, God, the Universe (whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs allow) to support you in the process, and you offer a prayer for the other person’s healing.
3 Ways to Practice Forgiveness
- Write a letter of forgiveness to the person who hurt you. Say everything you want to say to find some closure. At the end of the letter, write out the words…I forgive you and I release you. You are free and I am free. Once you are done, you can burn the letter and bury it in the Earth.
- Soul Conversation – While sitting in meditation, visualize in your mind’s eye the person you want to forgive and have a soul conversation with them. Offer your forgiveness, ask for their forgiveness, wish them healing, and set them free. Imagine cutting all cords of energy between you, pulling your energy back from them, and return their energy to them.
- Do a forgiveness ritual in nature. If you can, go out to a body of water, a river, creek or ocean. Gather a few stones – one stone for each person you are ready to forgive. Next, find a quiet place near the water where you can do your ritual. Speak to each stone as if you were speaking to the person that hurt you. Acknowledge the pain that was caused, offer your forgiveness, ask for forgiveness and healing, and release the stone into the water.
What to Expect
Forgiveness typically is not the first stage of the healing process, but rather, a later stage that can offer some closure. Often when there has been a trauma or betrayal it takes time to process the experience before we feel ready and willing to move forward and forgive…and that’s ok!
It took me years of healing before I was ready to forgive some of the men who had abused me. I had to deal with my trauma and PTSD, first and foremost, and that takes time. Yet, forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, and I have found it to be the pathway to freedom and power.
Further, sometimes, forgiveness is a one-time process, and sometimes it’s a practice we need to keep coming back to over and over. There is no right or wrong here, just a willingness each time to forgive, let go, release, and take your power back.
Always remember, forgiveness is for you!
If you’d like some support with forgiveness and/or feel ready to create a powerful breakthrough in your life, apply for a Complimentary Breakthrough session.