As we enter month two of COVID-19 quarantine, don’t be surprised if you start to feel grief emerge. If you’re at all like me, a highly sensitive soul, you’ve already felt it coming, like a tidal wave about to crash the shore. And if you have children, I bet they’re feeling it too.
Unfortunately, this crisis is far from over, and getting back to “normal” isn’t likely anytime soon. The truth is, we will need to create a new normal. Even though restrictions will eventually be lifted, COVID-19 isn’t going away, and life will be different.
In order for us to move forward in an empowered and healthy way, we have to process our emotions. That includes the grief we feel over what has been lost this year.
Understanding Grief
Grief is an internal feeling of sorrow that can emerge whenever you experience a loss. It can be the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a job, relationship, money, health, or even a dream.
In the case of COVID-19, we’ve also lost something new…physical and social connection – to hug our friends, gather in community, or go to a concert whenever we want. This is difficult because we are relational beings, who need social connection and physical touch. I don’t know about you, but I really miss those things, and I find myself grieving even the temporary loss of them.
Loss and COVID-19
Many lives have already been lost due to COVID-19, and the death toll is only expected to climb. Just last week we saw images of mass graves in the news, a disturbing sight to say the least. This brings us all face to face with the impermanence of life, and how quickly things can change.
Another loss many face is the loss of physical connection with loved ones. Doctors and nurses often have to quarantine away from their families in order to keep them safe. Family members can’t visit loved ones in nursing homes or hospitals. And those stuck in the hospital are alone and isolated from the people they need most. We all need physical touch and connection for health and wellbeing, yet its the very thing we cannot offer each other.
In addition, we’ve all been impacted by the loss of things we once took for granted – to travel, gather, play, celebrate, and even work. How many weddings, birthdays, graduations, or other rite of passage events will be cancelled or postponed indefinitely? How many of us have lost our jobs or income, or will be forced to close businesses? And…what will it look like if and when we get those things back? Will we need to wear our face masks and stay 6 feet away from each other, or just do everything via Zoom from now on?
If you consider all that you’ve lost, even just temporarily, I bet you’ll find grief is already present.
The Stages of Grief
Following is a summary of the 5 stages of grief, as outlined by leading grief experts Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. For more information and a wealth of supportive resources, go to https://grief.com/
I’ve included a brief exploration into how each stage may show up today in the the current COVID-19 crisis. I encourage you to get acquainted with each of these stages, and reflect on how you may already be going through some of them.
Shock and Denial
Often, this is the first stage of grief, especially when loss happens suddenly. In this stage, it’s too difficult to fully comprehend or process what’s happened. You simply cannot wrap your head around the idea of a pandemic shutting down modern-day society. This can show up in beliefs that it’s all a hoax or conspiracy, or that it just isn’t that bad. Isn’t this just like the swine flu or bird flu? You focus on all the reasons why it doesn’t make sense, because it’s too overwhelming to absorb.
Anger
Once the loss finally settles in, don’t be surprised if you experience some anger. This may show up as wanting someone or something to blame. Anger may be projected on to God, the government, others, 5G, those who have it, or the virus itself. The truth is you feel angry because you feel powerless and uncomfortable with uncertainty. Anger will typically push you into action, such as panic buying or hoarding, as your survival instincts take over. You want to take any action you can to reclaim a sense of power and certainty.
You may also find yourself short-tempered, impatient, and lashing out at others, especially your family. Anger can also show up as agitation, another form of anxiety, that feels like a overwhelming need to escape or change your circumstances.
Bargaining
At some point, you may even go into bargaining – with God, the Universe or others – in an attempt to go back to “normal”. In this stage you are willing to do just about anything to get back what you’ve lost, even if that means making a major life change. You just want out of your pain and discomfort.
In addition, you may wonder what you could’ve done differently to prevent the loss. For example, if you lost your job, you may beat yourself up about a career or financial choice you made in the past. This may also show up in a variety of “what if” scenarios, such as what if it’s all just a hoax and not even real?
Depression
Eventually, you can end up overwhelmed thinking about what’s been lost. This may be an awareness that there is no going back to “normal”. Or…you feel despair thinking about what the new normal may look like. Will we have greater government regulations as we move forward, like mandatory vaccines, tracking, or antibody certifications? As a result, you may experience sadness and despair, as you wonder when or if things will get better. At this stage, things may even feel hopeless.
Acceptance
However, eventually you begin surrender and accept what is. The good news is that the mind is built to adapt. You may not like it, but after a while you begin to accept the new normal, and learn how to live within it. You let go of resistance and attachment to the past.
We may adapt to a life without handshakes or hugs, concerts or sporting events for a while. We may agree to wear masks in public places for the foreseeable future. Yet, eventually we find a way forward.
Movement through the stages
It’s important to know, however, that we rarely move through these stages in a linear fashion. And, you may not go through all of the stages. You may even find yourself circling back and forth between different stages within a single day.
The goal here is simply to understand the stages, so you can be present to grief when it shows up. And when it does, please be patient and compassionate with yourself through the process.
Finding Meaning
In his latest book, Finding Meaning: The 6th Stage of Grief, Kessler discusses the importance of finding meaning in a way that honors what or who was lost. Although Kessler speaks primarily about loss due to death, I feel this is an essential stage for all of us today, as it embraces the lessons and opportunity for growth.
As spiritual beings, we are here to learn, grow and evolve. But here’s the thing…you experience the most profound growth through your challenges. Further, your potential is activated through the pressure of those challenges.
Just as a seed gets planted into darkness underground, it only blooms into its full potential after it cracks through the hard shell, and pushes its way up through the challenge of darkness and Earth. Growth requires tension and friction, to push beyond what we know. That’s just the nature of it. So how can we embrace the current crisis as an opportunity to grow and evolve, personally and collectively? How can we honor what we’ve lost and find meaning in our experience?
One thing I know for sure…the only way to step into new power and potential is by first going through our emotional truth, and that includes grief. There simply is no bypass.
Symptoms of Grief
One of the most loving things you can do for yourself is to hold space for all your emotions. It’s ok to grieve what you’ve lost or what has changed in your life; what may never be “normal” again.
To help you get present to grief, here’s a short list of some common symptoms associated with it. If you find yourself experiencing some of these, I invite you to get present and honest with yourself about what you are feeling.
- Insomnia
- Chronic headaches or pain in the body
- Existential crisis – questioning the why of life and your place in it
- Dark night of the soul experience – loss of spiritual connection
- Worry, Anxiety, Depression or Anger
- Feeling all alone or disconnected from others
- Debilitating fatigue
- Changes in appetite
- Crying
How to Process Grief:
- Recognize it, allow and accept it. Surrender to grief and be gentle, kind and loving with yourself. It’s ok to grieve the things we won’t experience this year or how life has changed. Resisting grief won’t make it go away, and it takes a lot of energy to try to contain it. In fact, resistance makes grief more powerful, and eventually it will emerge. Why not allow it so you can move through it?
- Acknowledge what and who you are grieving. Honor your grief by witnessing what you have lost. Go deep with this. Perhaps it’s a loss of identity, role, freedom, job, or even your health. It may also be helpful to explore if the current experience of loss has triggered unprocessed grief from something in the past?
- Feel it – Drop into your heart and FEEL it…cry, journal, paint, draw, or dance it out…allow the energy to move through you and be expressed. Grief often comes in waves, so allow the wave to flow and it will pass.
- Share it with a trusted and safe partner – The greatest healing comes when we feel seen and heard. Your friend or partner just needs to listen, witness, and remind you that you’re not alone.
- Get additional support – If your grief feels too big to process on your own, or with your loved ones, please get professional support. I am happy to help you during this challenging time. Apply today for a Complimentary Breakthrough Session.
- Find Meaning – Reflect on what you can learn from your grief and how you want to grow through it. What have you learned about your values or what’s most important in your life? How can you honor those things more going forward? What has this experience taught you about yourself?
I am thinking of you all with so much love and compassion in my heart. We will get through this together, and I truly believe we can come through this stronger, more healed, and more whole than before. I am here for you.
Last, please let me know if you have any topics you’d like to me to cover. I want to answer your questions, and support you as much as possible. The best way to reach me is through my contact form.
Please stay healthy, sane and safe!
With love and gratitude, Michelle
Sources:
On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the 5 Stages of Loss by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. and David Kessler
Finding Meaning: The 6th Stage of Grief by David Kessler